A Casual Meeting
— Posted by Annie (February 14, 2007 at 9:03 am)
I had an interesting conversation at the library the other day. My daughter was playing with some dolls and gave one to a woman who was there with her own daughter who was about four or five. This sparked some small talk between us. As we casually chatted she asked me if Hannah was my only child. I said yes and asked the same of her little girl. She said yes and that they weren’t planning on having anymore. I didn’t say much – after all I barely knew her. We chatted a bit more. She was from New York and just recently moved to DeKalb.
Again she said that she didn’t think they were going to have anymore children. She was one of five and her husband was one of four so they were used to bigger families, but she thought they were done. I told her I too was from a large family and that I loved having my sisters to play with. She said she loved it too, but that she actually had a pregnancy before her little girl was born. She ended up with a blood clot in the placenta which left the baby severely disabled. She decided to have the baby “forced out” at around 24 weeks since she was told the baby was going to die anyway. The baby (a boy) took one breath and died. In my mind, I thought, “Oh, my, she had an induced abortion!” But I didn’t know what to say.
I expressed my concerned, but was really taken aback. She waited a year to get pregnant again. When she did get pregnant with her daughter, the doctors monitored her closely and she took an assortment of drugs, including two self-administered shots a day. She said it was, “worth it, but hell.” I could see why she was scared to have another baby.
She also mentioned several times that she was way too old to have anymore kids. I politely asked if she didn’t mind telling me how old she was. She was 37. I was surprised. I told her my grandma had her last baby at 44. My two sisters-in-law didn’t start their families until they were in their late 30’s. But at the same time, I was worried about encouraging her to get pregnant again. What if something went wrong with the baby? Would she abort that baby?
I don’t have any answers really, but I was wondering if anyone had any advice. This isn’t the first time this has happened to me. A little over a year ago at my knitting circle, another woman – again I didn’t know her – told me about how she had to have a D & E because the baby was “going to die anyway.” Why a D & E??? Again, I was completely taken aback and didn’t know what to say. Part of the problem is that I don’t know if these women have gone through any healing. But I’d like to be better prepared in the future because I have a feeling it’s going to happen again. How do I speak the truth in love? Let me know what you think.
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Rosie says:
Maybe just giving them a business card for a post abortive counseling service would be enough.
Comment posted February 14th, 2007 at 12:12 pm
mary kay says:
Annie,
I have been thinking about the question you posed…
Let me ask you something.
How would you have responded if the woman you were speaking with had used the word “nigger”, or stolen money out of someones purse while you were watching?
I guess it comes down to, do we speak up when we see something wrong even if it’s embarrassing or do we keep quiet and pray that they will eventually see the light?
I have been in these situations, and while it makes me uncomfortable, I have tried to subtly, (yeah right, me subtle) let them know that I am VERY pro-life and it was their choice whether we dropped the subject or took it head on. It usually gets dropped but at least I don’t have to listen to it and condone it.
Once in the grocery store a woman was talking about how she was a Catholic. We discussed parishes or some such topic. I’m thinking I have found a kindred spirit and in the next two sentences she tells me that she is divorced and has had her tubes tied. (We wonder why Europeans think we’re too outspoken) I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I let her know that this wasn’t exactly church teaching. Never saw her again but hey, at least I tried.
My father was recently pronounced dead, which is really a good trick because my mother was feeding him when she told me this.
A week later some guy from the social security department came to prove he was in fact alive…(He suffers from Terry Schiavo syndrome…I’m thinking of writing a book called “I’m Not Dead Yet, Just Don’t Ask Me to Dance”). While he was there I was changing the frame on a picture of the Madonna of Medjugorge.
This prompted him to tell me that he was a Catholic who went to weekly mass, but hadn’t recieved communion in years because he didn’t want to go to confession. I could have let it go, but we had a 20 minute discussion on confession and why he needed to go. I’ll never know for sure, but I bet he goes before Easter.
My son has a gay friend, who recently began attending mass. All was going well until he emailed me that a priest and some of his “Catholic” friends had told him that it was all right to “live” the gay life. Hmmmm….what do I do now….I emailed him and said I would pray for the soul of that priest (If I didn’t hunt him down and shoot him first) as well as his friends. I told him what I tell my six year old. “You are allowed to believe and say whatever you want. This is after all America. And not I nor anyone else can stop you. But you’re wrong.” I told him a few other things he didn’t want to hear and needless to say I haven’t heard from him since. But what choice did I have?
My point is, can we in good conscience stand outside of abortion clinics and preach, can we stand on the street holding up signs of aborted children, can we write newspapers and do interviews, only to chicken out when it’s one on one? I don’t think so. Because even though these people may think that we are the bearers of bad news, we know that we are the bearers of good news…THE GOOD NEWS. And we are obligated, OBLIGATED, to spread it.
So the next time you are in this situation, smile, and inform the other party that you have a different opinion. Then ask her if she would like to hear it. This will either end the conversation, or open a new one. Either way, you will be able to sleep that night.
MK
Comment posted February 15th, 2007 at 9:13 pm
Rosie says:
The thing that bothers me about the situation is that it seems the woman doesn’t think of what she did as an abortion. It seems to me that she was thinking that if the baby was going to die anyway (who really knows for sure?) that she was doing a completely legit thing, but she was what caused the baby’s death.
Why is it so hard for these mothers to have a little faith? The condition my first baby had is usually fatal at that stage in pregnancy but i’ve actually heard of the condition reversing itself. Would it have killed her to wait and see if the child lived? Why not let the poor kid live as long as possible? I said give her a business card to a post abotive counseling service because she may not realize what she may have done and telling her in a confrontational way would probably put her on the defensive right away, sometimes people need to come to terms in their own pace.
Comment posted February 15th, 2007 at 9:43 pm
Sunnyday says:
That’s a really tought situation to be in. But since everything happens for a reason and nothing happens by accident, you can be sure that the encounter was a chance provided by God to be able to do some good! And I think keeping mum wouldn’t do much good (unless of course the right words really wouldn’t come and simply uttering a silent prayer was the only thing you could think of). Speaking up AND praying about it would definitely be good.
What I know is that tact and clarity are a good combination when explaining things, especially things that are bound to be met with opposition and criticism. I’m still mastering it myself — combining gentleness and boldness in speaking up about matters that most people (including myself) would rather not dwell on.
But Mary Kay is right about it being our obligation to spread the Good News. Even in cases when we ended up sounding too harsh or impassioned, we know that we fulfilled our obligation as Christians. =)
Comment posted February 16th, 2007 at 2:44 am
mary kay says:
If the woman was a Catholic, you have more options. If not, sometimes just saying “my husband and I are PRACTICING (heavily emphasizing practicing) Catholics and just kind of leave it up to the Big Guy to decide how many children we’ll have. We figure He knows more than we do…) can do the job without putting the other person on the defensive. They might roll their eyes, but at least you let them know that there is an alternative way to view things.
She had no compunction about giving HER opinion and didn’t pause to consider whether or not it might put YOU on the defensive. Her beliefs are contrary to yours and yet she felt she had every right to discuss them with you. I figure she already made the topic up for grabs and that gave you tacit permission to comment on it…if she didn’t want to chance hearing a different opinion she probably shouldn’t have shared such an intimate detail with you. Maybe she feels guilty and is constantly looking for approval for her choice. Otherwise why would she feel compelled to tell a perfect stranger this most private part of her life?
Either way, she brought the subject up, not you. So I say feel free to have your say.
Sunnyday is right. Prayer and speech. Better yet, prayer before you even open your mouth.
MK
Comment posted February 16th, 2007 at 6:00 am
Sarah says:
When I read this post, the first thing that came to my mind was an article that appeared in the Women for Faith and Family’s Lent-Easter 2006 Voices Magazine. The Article, entitled “The Worth of Isaiah”, was written by a mother who shares the blessings they experienced when they chose not to prematurely take the life of their unborn baby. A story like this has the power to change hearts - it certainly touched mine.
http://www.wf-f.org/06-1Isaiah.html
God bless!
Comment posted February 16th, 2007 at 11:27 am
mary kay says:
Sarah,
And that ladies and gentlemen, pretty much says it all. The worth of a life, indeed. I never met the child, and he has touched my life forever!
MK
Comment posted February 16th, 2007 at 6:44 pm
Quinn says:
When I encounter such a story I usually ask if they had a pro-life doctor. Then I share the story of a couple whose doctor told them their baby was deformed without arms and legs and would die and gave a shot to induce labor.
Then a few hours later called them and said he made a mistake and gave another shot to keep labor from occuring.
Then he reversed himself again and labor commenced and a perfectly healthy 20 week old baby was delivered and all they could do was watch him die.
I throw in the Hippocratic Oath and it originally including the part about not helping a mother to kill her baby and how that has been changed recently.
And then I get around to talking about current legislation and stats about how the majority of abortions are done out of convenience and how we must oppose it.
That works pretty well because people relate best to stories. So, next time have a powerful story to share to use as a way of easing into talking about the evil of abortion.
Comment posted February 18th, 2007 at 3:12 pm