Sex as a Gift
— Posted by Kara (May 24, 2010 at 1:56 pm)
“Sex is the secret of every human being, the delivery of it to another human being is a unique self-surrender, a gift of the whole person.” (Following Christ in the World by Anne W. Carroll, Seton Press, Front Royal, Virginia, copyright 2008, p. 103 .)
Perhaps one of the reasons why sex has become devalued in our society is because we have lost sight of one of the facts about sex: it is a total gift of self. It is not just something fun to do on Friday or a recreational activity—it’s serious, because the gift of sex has two purposes: “a unitative purpose (love-giving) and a procreative purpose (life-giving).” (Ibid., p. 94)
Put it another way: if you give someone you love a gift, do you usually want to give them a used gift that’s been rewrapped several times, or do you want to give them something new and in perfect condition? The same applies to sex. If you have sex with several people, you’ll be giving an incomplete gift, while if you save sex for your future spouse, you’ll be giving yourself fully to one person, and one person alone, until “death do you part”—a priceless gift.
Not only is sex a gift—it is also a communion of two persons. In the sexual act, two persons are united so that they become one flesh: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body.” (Genesis 2:24)
This is basically why sex is such a special and serious gift. It can only be given once, so we should make sure that we give it to someone that will not take advantage of it, someone who will truly respect us for making the choice to save this gift for his or her only. It will be a gift that will bring many other gifts, such gifts as trust, respect, and total commitment, a gift that will keep getting better over the years—a gift that keeps on giving, not taking, and is worth saving for the person God has ordained to be your future spouse.
Such a special gift needs total trust and commitment—that is why it is often so devastating, whether initially or later on, when someone gives his or her whole self to someone that sometimes ends up not being there. I’ve heard time and time again a truth that makes a lot of sense: Every time you have sex with someone, you give away a piece of yourself. It’s a gift that once you give it away, it can’t be fully recovered.
Chastity is also necessary in the single state, and if you choose to enter the religious life, then the gift of sex is given to God: “The professed religious places this gift in the Hands of Jesus, never to be disclosed to a human person. It represents the supreme self-surrender of the entire person. The professed religious is raised and set free, absorbed into a spiritual love, becoming the highest expression of the nuptial relationship between Christ and the individual soul.” (Ibid., p.103) However, if you had sex previously, you can commit again to living a pure lifestyle and refrain from sexual activity until marriage or else remain celibate.
To sum up, take these words of St. Francis de Sales (Introduction to the Devout Life, translated by John K. Ryan. Doubleday: New York, copyright 1950, 1952, 1966: p.234):
“Virgins, if you hope to enter into a temporal marriage, guard jealously your first love for your first husband. In my opinion it is very deceitful to present him with a heart quite worn our, spoiled, and weary with love instead of a whole and sincere heart.”
This can also apply to guys if you change the words “husband” to “wife” and “him” to her. He also tells women a great truth about Jesus, whom some women choose as their “divine Spouse”: “He is purity itself and loves nothing as much as purity.” (Ibid.)
God has given each of us this gift of our sexuality, and it is up to us how to use it. Are we going to save it for the right person or use it for the glory of God, or are we going to let unworthy people open it? For each of us, the answer to this question will depend on whether we decide to start seeing sex as what it is—a wonderful gift with serious responsibilities—total, complete, and un-refundable.
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Alexander Helphand says:
By your logic we should have a rookie pitch the World Series. Get real! Sex is a skill like any other. I can only imagine how disappointing it must be when two virgins get married and spend their wedding night jostling one another like blind puppies. Ask around and you will find that MANY women derived no satisfaction from their first sexual partner, yet managed to achieve sexual bliss with another lover. Would you condemn such badly matched couples to be yoked like oxen for the remainder of their lives? Can two walk together, except they be agreed?
Comment posted May 24th, 2010 at 9:23 pm
John says:
Alexander said: “Sex is a skill like any other.”
What, like being able to ride a bike? Or fix a car? Or play chess?
Sex allows spouses to express complete and total self-donating mutual love in a way that uniquely allows human beings to reflect the inner life of God and to be open to the possibility that their act of love may result in the creation of another person with an eternal soul.
Don’t embarrass yourself by lowering it to the level of trivial things.
Oh, and if you’re going to make fun of virgins, don’t comment on this blog.
Comment posted May 25th, 2010 at 8:33 am
RSD says:
” I can only imagine how disappointing it must be when two virgins get married and spend their wedding night jostling one another like blind puppies. ”
==================================
Alexander, answer me this:
How would they know the difference?
And by your statement, you have just brought down this profound and wonderful gift of self to the level of non-rational beings…shows your worldly view.
Comment posted May 25th, 2010 at 10:24 am
Rebecca says:
John and RSD, I have lived both sides of this coin. I did it ‘your way’ and I did it the way everyone else does.
I can tell you that your way is not the better way. Sex is for love, fun, pleasure and procreation. Subsumating it as some sort of allegorical act under ‘god’ adds no value.
Two consenting adults, who have some knowledge and skill, are able to give each other so much more, on every level.
I’m not saying everyone should run around going at it without thought or sense, but it is one of life’s rich experiences, made all the better by knowledge and practice.
Comment posted May 25th, 2010 at 4:43 pm
Kara says:
From the article “Forever Virgin” by Maria Spence, July 2008, Brio and Beyond Magazine:
“I may not have had sex before marriage, but I didn’t need a manual on my wedding night. My body knew pretty much what to do. Not that I wasn’t nervous, but God designed our bodies with this act in mind. We are ‘programmed’ to perform. Besides, I have come to understand that it isn’t about skill. It’s about communication and learning, together. Multiple experiences with a myriad of different men wouldn’t help me know how to please my husband. Time with him does that.”
“…sometimes I have to remind myself that I’m no longer a virgin. To a lot of people, that might sound pitiful. They’d look at me sympathetically and say, ‘Poor thing. She must never have good sex, or she wouldn’t feel that way.’ Those folks would be missing the point. It’s not that sex hasn’t been memorable. It’s that it’s been right. From the very beginning. I’ve had guilt-free, God-ordained sex. It’s never been dirty. It’s never been wrong. And it just keeps getting better.”
(p.15)
I’ll include these quotes in an upcoming post. This is why sex isn’t just a “skill” and why it is meaningful, even if the spouses are virgins.
Comment posted May 25th, 2010 at 9:34 pm
Rebecca says:
how would you ever know if you are having ‘good’ sex?
how do you know how much pleasure and joy you could achieve?
sex doesn’t need to be ordained by a deity to have meaning and joy.
if we are ‘programmed’ to perform, why all the opposition to pre-marital sex, homosexuality or sex for fun?
couldn’t be that it’s a ‘natural’ instinct now could it?
if you have to remind yourself that you’re no longer a virgin the sex can’t be all that memorable can it.
yes it is about communication and learning.
more experience might just help you to know how to please yourself while with your partner, as well as them.
god-free sex doesn’t have guilt, isn’t dirty or wrong, and it does just keep getting better.
Comment posted May 25th, 2010 at 10:05 pm
Selah says:
Sexuality like human beings is multidimensional. There is the merely physical dimension of sexuality, where skill and knowledge along with psychological techniques are effective to bring response. However when the conscience envolving the emotions and character of a person comes into play as in marriage committment the intimacy transcends the physical. Blind groping isn’t necessary. The mere anticipation of the embrace or the touch of the hands may provoke ecstasy. That kind of sexuality transcends and can even nullify skill and experience.God taught me that from the experience of being on the edge of orgasm, continuously, for many days from the touch of someone’s hand shake. That person was not someone I had sex with.
Comment posted October 9th, 2010 at 8:06 pm
Selah says:
When the human is committed in love there is an automatic pilot where the body will accomodate; it will adapt; it will adjust. There will be tenderess and service and submission to the beloved. Ones knowledge will come from the Omniscient who is the Author of the love and life expression in the human.
Comment posted October 9th, 2010 at 8:15 pm
Selah says:
Most first sexual experiences are not satisfactory. Many are repulsive. They are not sufficient evidence to support the value of experiencas most are illicit and experimental. One does not need experience to have knowledge and preparation for a great sexual pleasure.
Comment posted October 9th, 2010 at 8:32 pm
Generations for Life » Blog Archive » Dispelling Myths About Chastity says:
[...] my last post on chastity in May, “Sex as a Gift,” I got some positive feedback, but I was also taken aback by some of the negative responses I [...]
Comment posted March 1st, 2011 at 2:00 pm